I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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