I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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