I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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