Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
