Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
