Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
