i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I could fuck to npr.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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