Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
