i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
bring money and cleavage
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm at about main and main street
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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