Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
