you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
