My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
