I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
