My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
