dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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