It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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