I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
