The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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