I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
