I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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