I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
