i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
