Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
