Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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