So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
