I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I can't put those talents on a resume
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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