based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
