Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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