terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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