Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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