so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
my liver is dry heaving
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
