We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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