Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
