what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
