I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
