Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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