Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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