if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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