I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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