From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize