My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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