RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The air was thick with penises
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize