My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
