How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
