do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
