4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
