Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
