Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
