my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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