I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
