Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
