just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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