Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
