Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
