I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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