i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
