you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
