Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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