oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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