When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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