obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
