you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
