so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
