I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
