There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Don't tell me you're on acid again
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
