Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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