Whatcha textin bout Willis?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
