We named our party play list daddy issues
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
we're so committed to being not committed
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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