made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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