The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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