So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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