I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
