I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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